Dreams……gateway.
I found out yesterday that my ex step son’s life has crumbled
And he is now drinking again heavily and ended up in jail after stealing a car……without excess elaboration, this news shocked me….. I have known this kid from birth, both he and his sister are pretty fucked up.
The ex has apparently spent thousands on him over the past year trying to prop up his 31 year old son’s failed marriage, two little kids and now loss of his house and bankruptcy.
The money to do This would have come from my divorce settlement. I can only imagine the drama and am so thankful that I stepped Out of that train wreck of a family when I did.
Last night I dreamt vividly of throwing the ex, his girl friend And his entire entourage out of my house. I was sooooo done, again.
Today I felt anxious and weird and although yoga helped, I was left feeling off put. The dream signalled an irrevocable letting go.
Today my son announced he has rented a suite in the same building as my ex. It’s a fab seaside high rise.
It didn’t bother me…..
Letting go seems to Have Finite stages…….I must have crossed another one.
Dreams and date with grandpa bachelor number five…
I will give him credit, he was the least grandpa ish of the group so far. I liked him because he got my sence of humour. He’s four years younger than me. We had the longest date yet…three hours. He strikes me as shy, etc. but his personality got stronger as the drinks went down. My red flag, he downed four drinks…..however, it was a pleasant evening. Looks wise, not exactly Hot, but not entirely unpleasant either. time will tell. Retired fireman, fit.
Then I get home sleep and the intense dreams begin, starring the ex necking with a tall red head and he had white hair, GB#5 digging around under the bed, then the hot chemistry laden kiss with the doctor guy I haven’t met yet……weird brain processing.
Hump day dream….
So vividly dreamt of my ex’s sister, who was for many years one of my closest friends, until she set me up with her brother, and then stopped speaking to me when he “choose” me.
In the dream I asked repeatedly why she did that, and told her how hurtful it was, and since she was the co-matriarch of that wacky family, her “shunning” of me (and him for a bit, until he turned on me, and choose family) pretty much insured that our marriage would fail.
With his whole family putting me firmly on the shit list from so early on, he resented me, I felt isolated, and the games began…….
Do I forgive her? I feel a resignation, that it would have likely never gone any other way, that makes me feel peaceful, is that a step in the right direction?
Rest……thoughts on four days off
The house is clean, there is peaceful beautiful order, I slept until nearly eleven and missed yoga! Walked the dog around the park twice. Thus begins fall 2012.
I never have dreams about sex, but I did last night. NOOOOO! I really really don’t need to open that Pandora’s box.
I hear from the grape vine that grandpa bachelor number four is a real catch, I am reasonably certain he won’t surface.
I kinda like being alone. It feels safe and certainly is way less drama ridden than pursuit of male company…..plus, it is clear, I have zero confidence around being attractive to men that I might actually find attractive back.
Five for Friday!
1. Day 19, yogic high fully kicked in.
2. Dreamt of loveless relationships, a passenger train turning into a roller coaster with my daughter and I on it.
3. Planning my divorce party. It’s official on October 5,2012. Pot luck food theme “severed”, gonna get one of those divorce cakes too!
4. The weather is still hot and sunny and the relentless sea breeze is gone, LOVE! This puts me in a real good mood all round, slack flags work for me.
5. Some one asked me yesterday, “are you with the band?”….. Yes the band always travels with their mother dear! BAM!
Day 18, dreams and making dates!
All night I dreamt vividly about dating my hair dresser, no he isn’t a gay guy, but I am old enough to be his mother! At least it wasn’t an ex dream!
Monday is my birthday, yikes, so OLD! The kids and I will go to dinner, but I was procrastinating on making other plans with friends, but then I did, a couple of gals and drinks after dinner….there I did it!
Rock band is officially dead, I was letting it lie and the drummer surfaced and wanted to start again but with a new guitar player, bass player surfaced and basically stated he was out. He left the impression that drummer and I were not good enough? He was such a control freak and he made it so much harder on himself and really took the fun out of it for me. The juice just wasn’t there for me either. No connection.
I am in a non connective state with men right now in general. More and more they are starting to appear to me like foreign creatures, like being at a zoo. Mildly interested in seeing their many varied physical expressions relative to my being attracted, but come up with zilch around actually wanting to interact.
Dreaming like a demon! Day 7
The past few night I have been dreaming like crazy. The ex has been in them all. It has bummed me out and somehow my so called friend the subconscious has been working over time processing him and where I am at with him via these dreams. It’s all ego based. My ego is screaming out “I don’t want to be alone”….and somehow I have alone mixed up with “worthless”…. Three days ago I was happy, I signed the papers for the divorce and felt relieved, “as we were” popped into my head….but, unfortunately, because I am prone to depression “as we were” bit my ass and depressive old “school yard rejected me ” arrived with a vengeance and I tanked.
Heading to yoga shortly, I am sure the yoga is bringing this to the surface, squeezing and pushing these feelings to the surface, and hopefully out. Ego needs to be killed, because it’s ego that feels rejected, it’s ego that’s sad because I am feeling the impending 59th birthday, it’s ego that loathes the wrinkles, it’s ego that got me in the door to yoga to fight the flab……but it’s ego that gets killed every single time I stare myself down in that hot hot room.
Dates and dreams….Day four.
Date guy was fine, I was so dreading it. He struck me as a touch self absorbed, but attractive enough for an old guy and I would go out with him again. He had a very nice mouth and hands. We plan to meet again next week.
However my dear friend the subconscious came to me last night in the form of a vivid dream starring the ex, a large house ( a repeating theme in my dreams) and reconcilliation. I hate that, but I guess I just have to accept the message I was sending myself.
This….in dreams the house represents the psyche, my entire adult life I have had house dreams where I have just purchased a large rambling white new England style house. I actually saw the house in Barnett Vermont years later, that was weird!
The ex is the ex, unresolved, even though I threw him out he had left the relationship years before emotionally. In this dream we were being intimate. I have to put it all together still….
So maybe I will hear from date guy again, or not. He was tough to read.
Dreams….
I used to have a lot of faith in my dreams, that they were psychic messages from the ethers….it’s been a long time since I felt like that….but this past week I have had two vivid “ex” dreams, and both were “forgiveness” dreams. In the dream I had heart felt forgiveness, although he still was angry and entitled in the dream…. I like to think that this is true. However, our lives have completely separated and I avoid the places I know that he will be and I am under a self enforced “no contact” rule, so I really don’t know if I am dreaming about forgiveness and not having an anxiety rush around anything to do with him, because I am getting there, or because i want to get there? I guess the difference is moot.
One way or the other, it will be a year of legal separation the end of march, and I will move foreword with a divorce and I can test my theories out during that process……not really looking forward to that one little bit.
To quote David Byrne, ” my god, how did I get here? “…… To answer that fine question….”one breath at a time”….
Dream catcher…..
to entertain, to pack up an rv and drive off into the sunset, and all the things I am gonna do with that twenty one million dollar winning lotto ticket in my wallet!
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