I have figured something really important out. I am obviously an endorphin junkie. The zoomy motorcycle ride on Sunday, the adrenaline, the feeling of peace and calm I got in a circumstance where I could be dead with one out of place moment, deer, dog or rodent crossing the road. This, combined with my ability to form “crushes” on guys….and I always seem to have to have one, or I form one…….it’s brain chemistry! It’s feel good brain chemicals trying to run the show.
I am a biologist, so this explanation works very well for me.
The crushes are infantile urges to find that mother, that feel good cuddle, the feeling of safety that a child gets from another, and that I never had as an infant and child. Those chemicals in my brain just plain never flowed until I started going with boys. Then the bonds I would form were so intense, because my poor little baby brain had never experienced such feelings of safety and well being before. Then when the poor boy turned out to be a human being who was not capable of fulfilling the bottomless well of my infantile need for security and safety, I would feel completely betrayed, and move on.
WOW! So not only do I now have relatively good control over my “monkey mind” and it’s thoughts and silliness, but now I have to learn how to actually control the chemicals that flow into my brain. WOW…..once I can minimize my infantile need for “feel good” endorphins from the actions of another, rather than from my own actions, then I will be free of “need” for another. WOW….this is a gigantic step in the right direction.
Yoga floods my brain with feel good chemicals….that is where I get it now, not pot, not booze and not boys….WOW