Went to a plantation, it was awesome.
Went to downtown old town Nashville on reconnaissance, it was awesome
Discovered the theme of our family photo journal, the before and after selfies videos…..killing ourselves laughing at them.
I feel so blessed and grateful to be able to travel,with my kids like this, but also pathetic……will I ever have a life and a man to,share it with, or will I be following around my kids like a bad smell forever?
I am aware that my mood has tanked, and I am disappointed with myself.
Taking stock I see that perhaps I have given up. There’s two ways to look at giving up, first the buddah way, surrender to what is, accept, stay in the moment and feel, or two, the rah rah way, never give up, keep pushing to the goal.
I think this, lots of things are going on, for the past eighteen months i have been pushing, pushing ,pushing. Leave the unhappy marriage, get the money thing straightened out, loose the bad job, start consulting again, make a whole new set of friends, do the yoga, keep fit, look good, find a new man….arghhhh.
I am exhausted.
I just want to accept my life as is, right now, accept solitude, accept that I can choose to seek or rest quietly at home. Be okay alone evening after evening, or be okay trying to scare up a social life. Nothing that way has ever come easily to me, accept that it isn’t gonna just BAM be different.
Really all I want to do is exhaust myself in yoga, come home, be quiet, get up and do it again the next day, but I am having trouble settling into that rhythm.
The past few night I have been dreaming like crazy. The ex has been in them all. It has bummed me out and somehow my so called friend the subconscious has been working over time processing him and where I am at with him via these dreams. It’s all ego based. My ego is screaming out “I don’t want to be alone”….and somehow I have alone mixed up with “worthless”…. Three days ago I was happy, I signed the papers for the divorce and felt relieved, “as we were” popped into my head….but, unfortunately, because I am prone to depression “as we were” bit my ass and depressive old “school yard rejected me ” arrived with a vengeance and I tanked.
Heading to yoga shortly, I am sure the yoga is bringing this to the surface, squeezing and pushing these feelings to the surface, and hopefully out. Ego needs to be killed, because it’s ego that feels rejected, it’s ego that’s sad because I am feeling the impending 59th birthday, it’s ego that loathes the wrinkles, it’s ego that got me in the door to yoga to fight the flab……but it’s ego that gets killed every single time I stare myself down in that hot hot room.
Like a hot knife through butter, whew……how does that work? Yes folks there is a magic bullet, thank god!
Truth - My dark depression triggered by seeing the ex suddenly lifted. Hopefully that emotional crash was part of the process of nearing the end stages of mourning the end of that relationship…..Christ on a cracker!
Truth- I am spending way too much money on my personal appearance, but I need the confidence boost right now
Truth- I am meeting with a professional match maker onThursday, yes I am a silly old woman, nothing ventured nothing gained, I want a partner and they ain’t ginna walk in the door unassisted here in the land of way too many women.
Truth- my work scene has really picked up and I have to actually work right now…..yawn, I’d rather lolligaggingly kill time
Truth - yoga isn’t in the cards this week, cause the studio is moving, feel it……
Truth- there is a poodle sitting on my shoulder as I write this.
1. Spending the grocery money on cut flowers
2. Tearing up when you see happy couples, lowering your eyes to avoid them.
3. Drawing a tepid cynical warmth from over used comforting self help phrases.
4. Being happy in your head and sad in your heart.
5. Sitting alone in restaurants chatting with your iPhone
6. Not being invited to Couples dinner parties
7. Feeling unloved and unlovable.
8. Putting on a brave face, girdling your loins and “getting out there” to realize that there is actually nothing out there…..
Meh, this drizzled windy crap of weather we are having here on Vancouver Island is making me super depressed……some one just flip that switch and turn off this god awful weather!
the day was so good, then I crashed. I took the dog for a big walk in the park and these waves of emotion crashed though me, laughter, sadness simultaneously …it was weird. I don’t think that I have ever felt like that before in my life……and then I crashed….what the fuck? That climbing experience must have brought something up…I think I am so damn awesome and then…boom….reality. Old, solo, wrinkled solitary prune woman with no life……heading to yoga in ten minutes….Christ .why that the hell is going on brain….no fucking fair.
I am crashing. Combination of no yoga for almost three weeks, constant vertigo for three weeks, and the looming solitude of valentines day coming up.
I hate this, and that hate is something I have to get a grip on, quickly. Gotta find that off switch. I don’t care how dizzy I get in class, I have to go back.