Bad tumblr
Metaphorically speaking, I shouldn’t care who reads me, and I have been through some tough times recently, and maybe made choices that wouldn’t be everyone’s but….. the reason I write on a blog is for the validation from others who may be in similar circumstances, or of compassionate or like humoured mind….if my shared life experience is not longer of interest, that’s okay….I understand.
That’s why I bought the paper journal today, I have too much personal stuff to say these days.
I am in a weird weepy way right now.
Vacation with the kids, day 1.
Went to a plantation, it was awesome.
Went to downtown old town Nashville on reconnaissance, it was awesome
Discovered the theme of our family photo journal, the before and after selfies videos…..killing ourselves laughing at them.
I feel so blessed and grateful to be able to travel,with my kids like this, but also pathetic……will I ever have a life and a man to,share it with, or will I be following around my kids like a bad smell forever?
Dreams……gateway.
I found out yesterday that my ex step son’s life has crumbled
And he is now drinking again heavily and ended up in jail after stealing a car……without excess elaboration, this news shocked me….. I have known this kid from birth, both he and his sister are pretty fucked up.
The ex has apparently spent thousands on him over the past year trying to prop up his 31 year old son’s failed marriage, two little kids and now loss of his house and bankruptcy.
The money to do This would have come from my divorce settlement. I can only imagine the drama and am so thankful that I stepped Out of that train wreck of a family when I did.
Last night I dreamt vividly of throwing the ex, his girl friend And his entire entourage out of my house. I was sooooo done, again.
Today I felt anxious and weird and although yoga helped, I was left feeling off put. The dream signalled an irrevocable letting go.
Today my son announced he has rented a suite in the same building as my ex. It’s a fab seaside high rise.
It didn’t bother me…..
Letting go seems to Have Finite stages…….I must have crossed another one.
blinding revelation today……
I do super detailed modeling work (GIS not fashion) and it requires that i mentally juggle many many variables in my head as I write the code…..I circle around and around and around taking care of details, that seem unrelated… until I get the query just right, then BAM….that one is done and on to the next one.
its the same way I clean my house, not one room at a time, but details within each room multi-tasked until all the details are done and the whole place is clean.
I just realized, that’s probably the same way I am approaching even beginning to get into the dating game again, by taking care of seemingly unrelated personal details, circling, circling until I am ready emotionally to take it on…..
amazing….but I am pretty sure that when I am ready I will succeed….and that’s the first time since I have been single that I feel this way…today…thursday January 17 2013……for the record (tumblr post number 1332). yay me.
an “ah ha” moment late last night…..
I am in a pop choir and we are learning a piece called “Winter Song”….it is beautiful, the first time I heard it (yesterday) I cried and cried as I learned my words and the alto part….
I haven’t really cried much throughout this whole divorce thing. I am like “why am I crying now? its over”….
as I googled around late last night in divorce recovery sites I realized….I am mourning. BAM….it hit me….so much more makes sense now, the anger, the functionality of getting it all “done” is giving way to sadness, acknowledging the real loss that is divorce….loss, fear… sadness……
music heals, so do tears….now I understand.
Awareness, step one….day 8
I am aware that my mood has tanked, and I am disappointed with myself.
Taking stock I see that perhaps I have given up. There’s two ways to look at giving up, first the buddah way, surrender to what is, accept, stay in the moment and feel, or two, the rah rah way, never give up, keep pushing to the goal.
I think this, lots of things are going on, for the past eighteen months i have been pushing, pushing ,pushing. Leave the unhappy marriage, get the money thing straightened out, loose the bad job, start consulting again, make a whole new set of friends, do the yoga, keep fit, look good, find a new man….arghhhh.
I am exhausted.
I just want to accept my life as is, right now, accept solitude, accept that I can choose to seek or rest quietly at home. Be okay alone evening after evening, or be okay trying to scare up a social life. Nothing that way has ever come easily to me, accept that it isn’t gonna just BAM be different.
Really all I want to do is exhaust myself in yoga, come home, be quiet, get up and do it again the next day, but I am having trouble settling into that rhythm.
August 7, 2004……
Today is the anniversary of the day I got married. I have only been married once. It was the happiest day of my life. I remember the giddy feelings as I said those vows with tears streaming down my face and looking over to see the same on the faces of my friends who I called in at the last minute to witness and share some champagne.
It was casual, at the beach, in front of the trailer I just sold last week and who’s sale’s closing date is today.
Of course, what are the odds that the divorce papers will be finalized today as well?Actually, that would be awesome.
Cause although my wedded bliss lasted about 18 hrs, by 8 am the next morning, as his sister got on the phone and told us as far as her family was concerned that our marriage was the biggest mistake ever, and I as watched his face as he nodded in agreement with her, I knew from that instant, it wasn’t going to end well for me.
Positivity
Its essential, I loose my way and dwell on the negative, especially when it is the end of June and cold and rainy…..it’s easier when the sun is out.
I had so much fun last night seeing an indie group, Deli to Dublin. They are from Vancouver, a true west coast mix with the kilt wearing Asian sitar player, the gorgeous Indian rap/singer/DJ, the lovely fiddle player girl with blonde curls…..so much fun, danced my guts out. Good medicine.
The sun is shining this morning, I have lots to do at work, band practise tonight and a stretch of days where the yoga studio is closed while it moves. Need to stay sane and get past this setback.
It was a shitty relationship, for a long time. In it I hated his guts, out of it there is peace in my house.
Must concentrate on the positive…..
Ps. I just love the way Indian men dance…..so majestic, so male.
I need an exorcism….
I remember being miserable like this years and years ago…..I read a book called ” creative Visulization” by Shakti somebody……it literally changed my life in days.
This gutter I have let myself fall in is such a trap. I can feel myself starting to withdraw from all the good I have done myself over the past fourteen months, isolation, feeling like my skin is being torn off, poor self image, negativity…..none of that was in place three weeks ago.
I left this happen against my own better judgement, no one in my life thought it was a good idea to see him. Self help books preach “no contact”……. His hesitation to sign the papers shone a little crack of light into the dismalness of being a single woman….and I ran at it like a deer runs at a truck’s lights in the night. ERROR.
I have signed up for hypnotherapy, I know consciously what to do with my silly, busy mind….but there are seething unconscious issues going on that I need to address.
The double whammy of Don and his slam dunk, and then seeing the originator of my life’s pain, Denise, my mother, all within a week was more than I could manage on my own. DD…estruction of all my fragile hard work on myself.
Subconscious exorcism is what I need…….I WAS happy……I am wallowing in self loathing for letting myself slide right back into the trench.
Being single means….
1. Spending the grocery money on cut flowers
2. Tearing up when you see happy couples, lowering your eyes to avoid them.
3. Drawing a tepid cynical warmth from over used comforting self help phrases.
4. Being happy in your head and sad in your heart.
5. Sitting alone in restaurants chatting with your iPhone
6. Not being invited to Couples dinner parties
7. Feeling unloved and unlovable.
8. Putting on a brave face, girdling your loins and “getting out there” to realize that there is actually nothing out there…..
Meh, this drizzled windy crap of weather we are having here on Vancouver Island is making me super depressed……some one just flip that switch and turn off this god awful weather!
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