There’s a crack and that’s where the light gets in….. Leonard Coen
I slid between the cracks and got to my happy place!
I gave er hard this weekend…..now because my office servers are getting moved today I am at home having a personal development day……this weekend i two pof dates, both nice men. One was quite taken with me, but has some baggage I’d rather not inherit. The other nice plain, simple….in the end neither will prevail….onwards with solitude….I do like meeting men, but so far, am in no emotional shape to take one on….it’s a social distraction.
Metaphorically speaking, I shouldn’t care who reads me, and I have been through some tough times recently, and maybe made choices that wouldn’t be everyone’s but….. the reason I write on a blog is for the validation from others who may be in similar circumstances, or of compassionate or like humoured mind….if my shared life experience is not longer of interest, that’s okay….I understand.
That’s why I bought the paper journal today, I have too much personal stuff to say these days.
I am in a weird weepy way right now.
Went to a plantation, it was awesome.
Went to downtown old town Nashville on reconnaissance, it was awesome
Discovered the theme of our family photo journal, the before and after selfies videos…..killing ourselves laughing at them.
I feel so blessed and grateful to be able to travel,with my kids like this, but also pathetic……will I ever have a life and a man to,share it with, or will I be following around my kids like a bad smell forever?
I found out yesterday that my ex step son’s life has crumbled
And he is now drinking again heavily and ended up in jail after stealing a car……without excess elaboration, this news shocked me….. I have known this kid from birth, both he and his sister are pretty fucked up.
The ex has apparently spent thousands on him over the past year trying to prop up his 31 year old son’s failed marriage, two little kids and now loss of his house and bankruptcy.
The money to do This would have come from my divorce settlement. I can only imagine the drama and am so thankful that I stepped Out of that train wreck of a family when I did.
Last night I dreamt vividly of throwing the ex, his girl friend And his entire entourage out of my house. I was sooooo done, again.
Today I felt anxious and weird and although yoga helped, I was left feeling off put. The dream signalled an irrevocable letting go.
Today my son announced he has rented a suite in the same building as my ex. It’s a fab seaside high rise.
It didn’t bother me…..
Letting go seems to Have Finite stages…….I must have crossed another one.
I do super detailed modeling work (GIS not fashion) and it requires that i mentally juggle many many variables in my head as I write the code…..I circle around and around and around taking care of details, that seem unrelated… until I get the query just right, then BAM….that one is done and on to the next one.
its the same way I clean my house, not one room at a time, but details within each room multi-tasked until all the details are done and the whole place is clean.
I just realized, that’s probably the same way I am approaching even beginning to get into the dating game again, by taking care of seemingly unrelated personal details, circling, circling until I am ready emotionally to take it on…..
amazing….but I am pretty sure that when I am ready I will succeed….and that’s the first time since I have been single that I feel this way…today…thursday January 17 2013……for the record (tumblr post number 1332). yay me.
I am in a pop choir and we are learning a piece called “Winter Song”….it is beautiful, the first time I heard it (yesterday) I cried and cried as I learned my words and the alto part….
I haven’t really cried much throughout this whole divorce thing. I am like “why am I crying now? its over”….
as I googled around late last night in divorce recovery sites I realized….I am mourning. BAM….it hit me….so much more makes sense now, the anger, the functionality of getting it all “done” is giving way to sadness, acknowledging the real loss that is divorce….loss, fear… sadness……
music heals, so do tears….now I understand.
I am aware that my mood has tanked, and I am disappointed with myself.
Taking stock I see that perhaps I have given up. There’s two ways to look at giving up, first the buddah way, surrender to what is, accept, stay in the moment and feel, or two, the rah rah way, never give up, keep pushing to the goal.
I think this, lots of things are going on, for the past eighteen months i have been pushing, pushing ,pushing. Leave the unhappy marriage, get the money thing straightened out, loose the bad job, start consulting again, make a whole new set of friends, do the yoga, keep fit, look good, find a new man….arghhhh.
I am exhausted.
I just want to accept my life as is, right now, accept solitude, accept that I can choose to seek or rest quietly at home. Be okay alone evening after evening, or be okay trying to scare up a social life. Nothing that way has ever come easily to me, accept that it isn’t gonna just BAM be different.
Really all I want to do is exhaust myself in yoga, come home, be quiet, get up and do it again the next day, but I am having trouble settling into that rhythm.
Today is the anniversary of the day I got married. I have only been married once. It was the happiest day of my life. I remember the giddy feelings as I said those vows with tears streaming down my face and looking over to see the same on the faces of my friends who I called in at the last minute to witness and share some champagne.
It was casual, at the beach, in front of the trailer I just sold last week and who’s sale’s closing date is today.
Of course, what are the odds that the divorce papers will be finalized today as well?Actually, that would be awesome.
Cause although my wedded bliss lasted about 18 hrs, by 8 am the next morning, as his sister got on the phone and told us as far as her family was concerned that our marriage was the biggest mistake ever, and I as watched his face as he nodded in agreement with her, I knew from that instant, it wasn’t going to end well for me.
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