Ten years ago, so much more clouded with thc and booze and sex and 25 pounds heavier….and willingly over looking weird fucking behaviors….sold my soul……
fast forward today….marching off to therapy to make it all right…..
At least I am happy, I thought that I was happy then, I was, but not in a healthy way…..today I am challenged, alone, facing old age solo….
but I just feel so much happier, despite having greater cold fears….weird.
I am practicing hard for my rehearsal sat am. The songs are difficult, all men’s songs, and low in the original key. Just to torcher myself I record myself singing along to the karaoke versions of the song which I hear on headphones, all I am recording is my naked voice……that, my friends, is very very very….. Bare. Every little error is there to hear, sobering. It was making me loose my confidence, no microphone, no band behind me.
Then I wondered if, like in my earlier post, was I also delusional about my ability to sing, like I am about my being an inspirational yogini? Oh oh……I keep having these ” silly middle aged lady” thoughts….and what I realized is this.
I am putting the opinions of others between me and my soul, I have no idea what people think of me. It is heading down the wrong path. I work hard and try to do everything I do well. Period.
Of course I am not a gifted yogini, nor an American idol contender….so what? ….. they say in the Bikram dialogue, “keep trying a little bit the right way”….. That’s all that I can do, every day, everything I do….from what I eat and drink, to work, singing, yoga, relationships….really that all I have to do……
I was letting ghosts steal my peace, my confidence, my inner joy at doing the things I love.
In the early days of my separation I awoke most mornings and did a spontaneous happy dance…really, joy just jumped out of me and into me feet with the biggest smile ever. Then, the happy dance went away, I didn’t notice at all. Life got into a rhythm, I got preoccupied with my head, my fears, my longings, my empty bits.
Well today was a momentous day, I awoke and IT WAS BACK….tral la la dancing like a fool naked around the condo, scaring the dog….yeee hawww!
This was triggered by the emotional zit popping of yesterday, the dreaded DIVORCE conversation with the ex….got up to that hurdle. Then I jumped over it, called him again today to ask some details about getting the ball rolling. He quickly whipped himself into an emotional tizzy and decided it was HIM who was going to file…..that was very good news to me. Lawyer chores avoided for the first little bit.
like ripples in the water from a single pebble tossed with intention, happiness spreads…..HAPPY SOLSTICE everyone! the light is a comin’
it is subtle, how to change your picture….I have decided to go with my real face, rather than my dog’s hind end….however, now I need how to figure out how to rotate the image…..any words of wisdom out there?
mother called to tell me about the massive storm apparently I am in the middle of…..oppps….I guess there is power out all over, but not for me and the pretty pretty ibanez….got the fxs on and am rockin out New Orleans is Sinkin, by the trag…..have been on the keyboard so long forget that I am not a horrible guitar player….AND….. Managed to get that driving bass line going as well…….
Life’s good today……I did all this nasty work last couple of weeks around letting go of my ex and really took the microscope to what was good and bad about that relationship. My journal is a festival of two colours of ball point ink for first and second pass, and then two colours of high lighter pen for good and bad …..doing it exhausted me, but then I felt so free…..hadn’t looked at it for a week….OMG pages of it……directed by a self help book called “Getting Past Your Breakup” by Susan Elliot……it’s taken me seven weeks to get to page 140…… Highly recommended, I feel different on a very very deep level…..and I am paving the way to real positive growth here…..that and all the yoga…….yay me!
If there ever is another relationship I certainly have no excuses for making the same mistakes again…….growing up….finally.
Happy happy happy happy, have a happy dog day!
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