I have a feeling that this is gonna be a very positive year, I like the symmetry of the numbers. Off to a good start, except that I am sick with the flu.
Mr Perfect and I seem to be in good shape, the date three curse hasn’t kicked in …….he’s shopping for property in town and introduced me to his son and super cute grand daughter who live here (he said I am the first woman he’s dated that he’s introduced to him)…..
I drove him to the airport last night and it was very calm and tender….now he’s back to Alberta. Lots of good energy circulating on that front. Dates of future visits have been put forth….we’ll see, as usual.
while dithering trying to find my glasses this am for a facetime call, which I assumed was from Mr.P, it actually turned out to be my EX!!!!!!!! OMG, lucky I missed that…….he hasn’t surfaced at all (thankfully) for 8 months…..
what are the odd’s he’d dial my number right when I am falling in love with someone else?……100% I guess……psychic/energetic/spiritual connects alive and well on all fronts for this one…..incredible.
That’s one call I won’t be returning. End of story.
Here I go again.
1. Singing along with Christina Agulera I sound great, without her I sound like an old woman…oh well….gonna learn Just a Fool with my singing friend Denis and rock it at karaoke….like in a year…
2. Doing my imago relationship theory work, yes, it’s true, my ex IS my mother’s worst behaviors…..yet I’d still take him in a heartbeat…..more therapy needed….love is weird.
3. New office is awesome, but expensive, one year from now hopefully I will leave there with one box and a laptop and that will be that for my career.
4. Date with Steve the fourth tomorrow……much scratch and sniff required here…. although……just not sure…..see bullet 2. More therapy needed. Not throwing out the baby with bath water
5. Daughter’s last day of work and she leaves in 10 days…..sigh….but am feeling positive. Son announced he wants to move to Vancouver….NOOOOOOOO! These kids are my everything right now….”DO NOT WANT THEM SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLANET”… mom says somewhat pathetically.
Arrived back from my holiday with my head full of the ex……I need an “ex”orcism…..front line is yoga at noon again. Yoga is my church.
Second, buying a nice paper journal and starting writing in there again….. Gotta get these thoughts out of my head and spare all of you …..
Third, ordering a bed, finally gonna get off the single I am sleeping on……I anticipate, maybe, but probably not, some male company once the daughter unit has moved out. Sick of “turning in place” rotation and sliding off the bed with one leg at night….
Fourth, have signed up for counciling to facilitate the “ex” orcism…..his ex therapist who we saw once and I thought, finally, someone who has the ability to see through the bullshit and cut to the chase……hopeful, but now my head is rehearsing….need to stop my head…..so tired.
Fifth, am cultivating “music guy”, “just wanna snuggle” guy and the farmer……all candidates for new bed action. Fuck this shit I just want to get on with having a man in my life…..enough solitude. I am ready.
I do super detailed modeling work (GIS not fashion) and it requires that i mentally juggle many many variables in my head as I write the code…..I circle around and around and around taking care of details, that seem unrelated… until I get the query just right, then BAM….that one is done and on to the next one.
its the same way I clean my house, not one room at a time, but details within each room multi-tasked until all the details are done and the whole place is clean.
I just realized, that’s probably the same way I am approaching even beginning to get into the dating game again, by taking care of seemingly unrelated personal details, circling, circling until I am ready emotionally to take it on…..
amazing….but I am pretty sure that when I am ready I will succeed….and that’s the first time since I have been single that I feel this way…today…thursday January 17 2013……for the record (tumblr post number 1332). yay me.
I flew to the town where I raised the kids today to attend a memorial service. I wondered how I would feel, would I be sad, happy, full of regrets?
I have in the past year let go of so much here, the house, the beach….the marriage….I really truly felt like I have moved on.
The tears I used to shed whenever I would come back here just did not flow, the pang of regret I used to feel when looking over at the sunny hill where my house was just didn’t happen. It feels like the past here now.
Interesting, I have so much love for the people, so many hugs and happy memories, but my heart just isn’t in this place anymore…..whew!
What I learnt this weekend is about the universal sadness that surrounds me. The country party was interesting, hosted by a person I was aquatinted with via the meetup group. He was one of my little crushes, we are linked by a common bond to a similar prairie upbringing, age, and he as aged well, with a strong resemblance to Mik Jagger. However, he has one week to move out of his wonderful country home, a testament to years of hard work on a lovely acreage.
The party was small, awkward, and it reminded me so much of my letting go of my house, his dog, etc. passages, letting go…..
My girl friend and I spent the night and in the morning continued chatting and talking with the host….I felt so much emotion around his letting go of the house and acreage and giving away his dog….not sad exactly, but poignant. I have been there.
I drove home and returned to my empty condo and just really felt all that letting go. I patted my little girl dog and felt.
I have always disliked summer solstice, the day the light starts to shorten. I know that is kinda sad, but to me, up here in Canada, it isn’t even really summer yet, the days are long and June is usually rainy, the dog days of summer are still several weeks off.
It’s gonna be a fun active summer for me, parties, gigs, friends, dancing, a new yoga studio to practice in, daughter in Europe for a few weeks. I acknowledge the long days of summer ahead….but I still feel sadness on the day the light starts to go short.
I also feel in limbo, but I am heeding friends advice, if he doesn’t surface tomorrow as agreed to, then I will not pursue it, keep my dignity and carry on, solo……
My horoscope says love will come to me in October……if the stars are acting on me so profoundly, as they were for the Venus solar eclipse, then…….maybe…..fingers crossed, I am so not dead yet.
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